Have you had those conversations with some people that just leave you feeling confused or frustrated, unheard or misunderstood? You may even feel your conversation was hijacked or that you were somehow judged. Or even worse, you may not know that other people feel that way after a conversation with you!
The art of conversation doesn’t come that easily to everyone, so it’s important to take a little ‘chat check’ and see how you rate. Without realising it, we can easily be stuck in a pattern of being a poor conversationalist. There are unhelpful habits of conversation that you may come to recognize in others or yourself once you are aware of them. Here are a few types you may recognise:
The Thought Completer knows exactly what you were going to say and has the annoying habit of interrupting you and completing your sentences according to what direction he or she thinks you were going. This person hijacks the conversation and robs you of telling your own story. The lesson here is not to assume you know what the other person is about to say – we all have unique experiences to share, so take care not to interrupt.
The Pessimist is the chronic negative thinker. No matter what you say, this person has a negative take on it. Their experience in the past, their opinion on the present and their predictions for the future are relentlessly negative. This person can leave you feeling hopeless and that the world conspires against you. Either that or you feel much less inclined to chat with them in the future. To avoid being like this yourself, remember it is sometimes better to just listen than say something negative.
The Egotist is unable to allow the conversation to revolve around anything but themselves and somehow finds a way to link any topic back to themselves, all while being oblivious to what they are doing. Funnily enough, just when the topic becomes about something unrelated, this person coincidentally has to leave! If you think you might do this, try to listen as much as you speak and focus on the other person and what they have to say.
The Interrogator can be too interested in the details asking questions almost like a detective and leave you feeling grilled and exhausted! In their enthusiasm to learn more about all the technicalities, they can interrupt the natural flow of the conversation and create a frustrated atmosphere. If that sounds like you, remember to keep any questions you may have relevant to the information that is actually needed, be patient and only ask questions in moderation.
The Detached Listener may have heard you, but you’d never know it, as they don’t show any reactions. Whether you are talking about something really exciting or truly sad, this person remains neutral and impassive, leaving you feeling like you might need to be more expressive or just maybe keep it to yourself from now on. If you might be doing this to someone else, remember the other person needs some verbal or non-verbal cues to be sure you are interested in what they have to say. Make sure you add in a nod or an appropriate sound every now and then, to let them know.
The Competitive Storyteller has always done whatever it is faster, harder, longer, and can somehow make your experience sound boring! While this person often has the audience riveted and never forgets the punchline, it is easy to feel outdone and a little skeptical that this individual can have experienced so much more than you, every time. If taking centre stage is very comfortable for you, make sure you listen to others as well and take turns in the storytelling.
The Fixer somehow feels that whenever you speak of a doubt or some indecision, they need to weigh up all your alternatives, analyse the pros and cons, and work it through to the solution for you. This person hasn’t realised that you may not have asked for advice, but were just expressing yourself. If you tend to jump in and be a ‘fixer’ for people, remember to wait until you are asked for your advice or opinion.
Of course, there are other types of conversation destroyers you may encounter as well, but now that you are more aware, see if you recognise some of these in action. You may just tweak your listening skills to become a better conversationalist yourself!
Vanessa Steele, ThoughtMatters counsellor
Fear and Anxiety are normal human emotions we have all experienced when a danger or threat triggered ‘fight or flight’ reactions in our bodies to help keep us safe. But sometimes, these feelings overwhelm us when there is no actual threat to our safety, otherwise known as a Panic Attack.
You are not alone
It is estimated that 1 in 20 people experience Panic Attacks or Anxiety Attacks at some stage in their lives, with many people learning to manage them successfully using strategies and tools we’ll talk about...
What are the Symptoms?...
Symptoms of Anxiety or Panic Attack include:
Make sure you are actually OK…
It is important to know that your symptoms are not caused by a physical illness, so make sure to have a thorough check with a doctor you trust. Being able to rule out any fear that you have a serious illness can be crucial to containing the panic and being able to use credible self-talk. Knowing you are ok will make the next step so much easier.
What to Say to Yourself…
Recognise what is happening to you…
After many panic attacks, most people realize they are unlikely to die or lose control, remembering they have survived other attacks in the past. But this knowledge may be forgotten during a panic attack, because the feelings are so intense that they fear this time may be different.
During a panic attack most people are focusing on the physical feelings they have in their bodies, like their pounding heart, or their dizziness, or their shaking hands. They interpret these symptoms to mean that something dangerous and awful is happening to them. Unfortunately, this only makes matters worse. When you tell yourself you are in danger, you activate the fight or flight response, your body releases more adrenaline, and the physical symptoms of panic get worse. So, instead, remind yourself that you are safe, you are healthy, and This Will Pass. Go on, say it to yourself now.
What to Do…
1. Breathe in – breathe out…
Deepen your breath, both on the way in and on the way out. See if you can simply focus on that breath, listening to it and lengthening it. Check out some
Breathing Exercises here if you want to know a few different ways to focus.
2. Unclench Your Jaw
It’s so easy to hold tension in our jaw and a quick way to begin to relax the body. Drop your shoulders, release your belly. Scan your body and see where any other tension is, check that your tongue and your ears are relaxed (sounds weird I know!)
3. Open Your Hands
This is also called “Willing Hands”. Simply turn up your open hands onto your lap or rest them open beside your body. Opening your hands has been proven to immediately reduce intense negative feelings throughout the body – give it a try right now…
4. Describe something in Step-by-Step detail
Describe the detailed steps to do something you know well (e.g. step-by-step to roast vegetables, count backwards by 10s from 200, how you change the sheets on your bed) . This is a grounding technique that can short circuit a panic attack. You can even describe where you are right now in detail… the floor, the windows,
Getting a Better Understanding of Yourself…
It is important to identify what you are saying to yourself leading up to, and during, a panic attack. Collect a sample of these thoughts and write them down. This may take some practice, because at first it may seem like you are just feeling things, and not thinking anything at all. If you cannot identify what you are thinking, try asking yourself what you believe is happening to you, and notice whether you are judging what is happening as being awful or dangerous.
What would you say to a friend?…
Now, imagine you had a friend who suffered from panic attacks and you had read about panic and discovered it was unpleasant, even scary, but not dangerous. What would you say to your friend next time you were with her and she started to panic?
You need to say something that will reassure and comfort your friend, and help her settle down. It’s just the same when you’re the one panicking – thinking the worst makes panicky feelings worse. Reminding yourself that you are not in danger, and that you can cope with a panic attack, helps you to turn off your fight or flight response and stop releasing adrenaline
Check the Facts…
As I said earlier, it is important to know that your symptoms are not caused by a physical illness, so make sure to have a thorough check with your trusted doctor.
To recap, if you are having a Panic Attack, try this
What to Say to Yourself…
What to Do…
Why not take a pic of this with your phone so you have it on hand if you think you might be heading for a Panic Attack.
Challenging anxious thoughts is a very important part of learning how to manage your anxiety and panic attacks.
If you need more help, contact me at ThoughtMatters 0414 99 66 13 so we can tailor steps you can take to manage and overcome your Panic Attacks.
0414 99 66 13
Some of the above is from a helpful website THIS WAY UP.
Check out THIS WAY UP for more information.
It’s a word that makes people uncomfortable.
It still carries a stigma of fear, sadness and, for some, even shame.
If we were more able to talk about the ‘s’ word openly we could help each other deal with isolation, depression, anxiety and provide support and a road to recovery.
Have you guessed?
Suicide kills almost twice as many Australians as the national road toll each year.
More than 3 million Australians are living with depression and/or anxiety today.
Of those people, more than half will not seek help.
While we can talk about the number of people dying on the roads and suffering and dying with breast and prostate cancer, as soon as suicide is mentioned, many of us look for ways to change the conversation. It can make us uncomfortable because we may be afraid, embarrassed, or feel out of our depth.
R U OK? Day is a national day of action dedicated to reminding everyone that we’ve all got what it takes to ask, “are you ok?” and support those struggling with life . Suicide is something that many people consider as a way to make their emotional pain stop. Some people feel suicide is the only way they can escape their situation, however, it can be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
It can be daunting to ask someone if they feel suicidal, often for fear that the person may say “yes”. Then what?!
Before you can look out for others, you need to look out for yourself. And that’s ok. If you're not in the right headspace or you don't think you're the right person to have the conversation, try to think of someone else in their support network who could talk to them.
To help you decide whether you’re ready to start a meaningful conversation, check out R U OK?’s four steps
If there is someone you know who seems isolated, depressed, overwhelmed, or behaving differently to their normal self, find an opportunity to ask them if they are having thoughts of suicide. It’s important not to beat around the bush, but clearly ask.
Don’t start off by saying “ You’re not thinking about doing something silly, are you?” Show the person you respect them and care about how they are feeling by saying something like “ Are you ok? I’ve noticed you are under a lot of pressure/ feeling low/ aren’t participating in things at the moment. Are you feeling suicidal?” or “Are you thinking about harming yourself?”
If the person isn’t suicidal, they simply say “No”, and are usually clear that that isn’t an option they think about. They do not feel offended and the conversation moves on quite naturally after that.
If the person says “Yes”, it is often accompanied by a sense of relief that they are able to talk about how serious their pain is, and the first baby step on the way to keeping them safe.
If you do know someone who is suicidal, stay with them, or arrange for someone else to be with them until you are able to get professional assistance from a doctor, counsellor or other mental health professional. Call Lifeline anytime on 13 11 14 if you need support with this.
Many people worry that asking the suicide question may put ideas into the person’s head. According to Lifeline, it is simply not the case. In fact, it’s a question that Lifeline telephone counsellors are trained to ask each caller as part of their mission to achieve an Australia free of suicide.
Read more about how to ask someone "Are you OK?' here
“Are you OK?” Ask the question, have the conversation. You may just save someone’s life.
0414 99 66 13
How do you know when it would be helpful to talk with a counsellor? Many people don’t even know what counsellors do, and what types of things we can help with.
Some of the reasons people see a counsellor include; not coping, feeling ‘stuck’ in difficult relationships with others or yourself, divorce or separation, death of a loved one, a traumatic event, parenting issues, addictions, coping with a serious illness, carer burnout, workplace distress, the list goes on...
Here are just a few of the feelings you may have which could be helped by visiting a counsellor… stress, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, confusion, resentment, shame, anger, grief, loss, depression...
What happens in a session? Our first session generally begins with a quick overview of what confidentiality means, then a check in with how you are feeling coming into the session. In a few moments, you will find you are able to begin the process of unburdening some of your problems, fears, frustrations, pressures and complications. Often, the first session uncovers some priorities and goals, which we continue to explore and finesse as the work progresses over the course of the sessions.
At ThoughtMatters, I take a caring, person-centred, empathetic approach, avoiding judgments and assumptions, and really ‘ hearing’ what you have to say, while respecting the unique perspective and individual values you may hold.
A counsellor is bound by a code of professional conduct to ensure confidentiality is maintained. This security, as well as knowing this therapeutic relationship is separate from other relationships in your life, allows you to speak freely and honestly.
Professional counselling provides a structure and framework to assist you to work through the issues that matter most to you. Professional boundaries are established to ensure you feel safe, respected and supported throughout your journey.
Your counsellor is trained to assess important safety aspects such as suicide risk, family violence or risk to children, and provide support or professional referrals to get help where it is needed.
Talking with a counsellor is very different from talking with a close friend or family member.
While talking with someone close about a problem is something we can sometimes do successfully, there are many situations or issues you may have where talking to a counsellor may be a better option.
Often, the issues and concerns that people share with their counsellor aren’t things they are comfortable to share with a friend.
While a friendship is an important part of a support team, friends have their own opinions, beliefs, prejudices and values, which may colour their advice. Friendships can have an imbalance in power, status, or reliability, which can make you feel compelled to follow their advice for fear of being judged.
Friends may also find it difficult to maintain confidentiality, or be completely honest for fear of hurting feelings and harming the friendship.
Talking with your counsellor is not like a normal two-way conversation where your friend may relate shared experiences or personal stories to make you feel less alone. It is the one-way dialogue you have with your counsellor that keeps the conversation focused on your story, your issues and your goals that ultimately helps you find your solutions.
There is a high chance you know other people who have successfully seen a counsellor about some problems or issues that worried them. Many Australians see a counsellor at some point in their life, but fewer people talk about it.
If you are reading this, and you have already been helped by seeing a counsellor, there may be opportunities in your life where you can encourage someone else to reach out and get help for themselves.
The connection you make with your counsellor - the quality of the therapeutic relationship - has been proven to be the most important factor for a positive outcome, which means you will be looking for the right ‘fit’ with your counsellor.
Remember, you don’t have to resolve your difficulties on your own. Make an appointment to speak with a skilled listener who is bound by professional ethics of confidentiality and trained to support you to get through these difficult times.
If you are facing an emotional challenge, want to improve a relationship, reduce your stress or anxiety, or get out of feeling ‘stuck’ in an overwhelming pattern, this is the time to make an appointment.
* Call for a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to see if it’s something we can work through together.
0414 99 66 13
Ok, there’s your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, Snapchat, to get through, let alone your Messenger, WhatsApp and regular texts to read and respond to! It takes dedication (and a helluva lot of time!) to keep up with the constant flow of ‘information’ about the hundreds of people you know and follow and check if they are noticing, liking and following you back!.
If you are really honest, there is every likelihood that you are spending much longer each day connected to your social media feed than you would prefer.
So how do you change that?
We are social beings - herd animals, if you like!
Humans need connection to feel secure. You might argue that watching what is happening in your friends’ lives is a type of connection. But it is removed and voyeuristic, actually creating a sense of missing out and aloneness.
In Psychology Today, Amy Morin, says “Of course, it would seem logical to assume that people use Facebook because it somehow enhances their lives. But oddly, research suggests the opposite. Studies show Facebook use is associated with lower life satisfaction... envying your friends on Facebook leads to depression."
If you are feeling frustrated by the way your addiction to your social media feed is shrinking your enjoyment of life, here are some ways to develop strategies:
When you make any of these changes, check in with your own happiness and engagement with your experience of life. Acknowledge any improvement you feel by disconnecting from the relentless social media feed that was previously eating up your life.
Be kind to yourself. If you slip up and find your thumbs flicking through the relentless feeds, close it down, congratulate yourself for noticing, forgive yourself and re-commit to your goal.
The moment you do, you'll get the time back to be involved in your own version of life, rather than somebody else’s.
Let me know your thoughts...
0414 99 66 13
How is it that some people seem to have more Aliveness, Joy and Vitality than others? Can you create it, or develop it in your life? Does it equate to being happier or more fulfilled?
I had a conversation with some girlfriends recently about getting older and not wanting to lose that aliveness and vitality that we have all experienced to varying degrees in our lives (and remembered most vividly from our youth!) We were wondering how it is that some people can remain vital and joyful into their older age when others become bitter and depressed, or ‘old before their time’.
Want to feel more Alive?...
1. Use your body: Working with the body is the key to opening up to ‘aliveness’ and freeing your body from being ‘stuck’ and stagnant. Whether it’s yoga or tennis, walking or even gardening, the experience of being connected and alive comes from being and doing. Using your body invigorates the ‘aliveness’ and vitality you will feel.
2. Get up and Dance: By using our bodies in a rhythmic and synchronized way becoming connected with another when dancing, the benefits to aliveness are enormous. The effects from being and doing, and connecting with another or others through dance is more powerful and uplifting than just talking about it and approaching it from a thinking perspective. Try turning up that favourite playlist and jiggle around while you are cooking the dinner, check out your local area for fun dance groups or take dance classes if you prefer more structure and guidance. Whatever way you get your body rhythmically moving, you will generate more ‘aliveness’, more happy endorphins will flood your body and your joy and vitality will soar.
3. Contribute & Connect: Some people aren’t able to use their body as they would like but they are not necessarily excluded from retaining or reconnecting with their Aliveness and Vitality.
Dr Steven Hayes, Psychology Professor at the University of Nevada and founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) said recently,
“If you are actively contributing, pursuing, creating, connecting, if you are sharing your loving, your supporting and helping, depression is just not what’s in front of you.” Some people find volunteering a way to connect and contribute, creating happiness for others giving them a sense of joy and ‘aliveness’.
Check out the opportunities at volunteeringaustralia.org to give to your community or a cause that is close to your heart. The connection and contribution you make will increase your Vitality, Joy and Aliveness, help to ward off those low feelings and age with grace.
Dr Steven Hayes said “People who age with grace learn how to take what they have and pour their caring into that. And that flexibility is, I think, what we need to foster to keep people from losing contact with their birthright really, which is to be alive.”
Of course, it is not something confined to ageing, there are plenty of people of all ages who don’t appear to have an ‘aliveness’ going on. This state is often synonymous with low feelings, sometimes mild or chronic depression. It can be a ‘Catch-22” if you’re feeling low or depressed, to get yourself motivated and your body moving, but we can create and develop Aliveness, Joy and Vitality in our lives at any age. As Hayes says, “If you are waiting for yourself to feel good before you can live well, you might wait for the rest of your life.”
My mum used to say “You’ll never be this young again!” so to grow that Joy and Vitality in your life, it might be time to turn up the music and dance!
If you'd like to see other tips to improve your life or relationships, I can send you occasional posts to your inbox - simply pop your email in the box above
0414 99 66 13