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How is it that some people seem to have more Aliveness, Joy and Vitality than others? Can you create it, or develop it in your life? Does it equate to being happier or more fulfilled?
I had a conversation with some girlfriends recently about getting older and not wanting to lose that aliveness and vitality that we have all experienced to varying degrees in our lives (and remembered most vividly from our youth!) We were wondering how it is that some people can remain vital and joyful into their older age when others become bitter and depressed, or ‘old before their time’. Want to feel more Alive?... 1. Use your body: Working with the body is the key to opening up to ‘aliveness’ and freeing your body from being ‘stuck’ and stagnant. Whether it’s yoga or tennis, walking or even gardening, the experience of being connected and alive comes from being and doing. Using your body invigorates the ‘aliveness’ and vitality you will feel. 2. Get up and Dance: By using our bodies in a rhythmic and synchronized way becoming connected with another when dancing, the benefits to aliveness are enormous. The effects from being and doing, and connecting with another or others through dance is more powerful and uplifting than just talking about it and approaching it from a thinking perspective. Try turning up that favourite playlist and jiggle around while you are cooking the dinner, check out your local area for fun dance groups or take dance classes if you prefer more structure and guidance. Whatever way you get your body rhythmically moving, you will generate more ‘aliveness’, more happy endorphins will flood your body and your joy and vitality will soar. 3. Contribute & Connect: Some people aren’t able to use their body as they would like but they are not necessarily excluded from retaining or reconnecting with their Aliveness and Vitality. Dr Steven Hayes, Psychology Professor at the University of Nevada and founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) said recently, “If you are actively contributing, pursuing, creating, connecting, if you are sharing your loving, your supporting and helping, depression is just not what’s in front of you.” Some people find volunteering a way to connect and contribute, creating happiness for others giving them a sense of joy and ‘aliveness’. Check out the opportunities at volunteeringaustralia.org to give to your community or a cause that is close to your heart. The connection and contribution you make will increase your Vitality, Joy and Aliveness, help to ward off those low feelings and age with grace. Dr Steven Hayes said “People who age with grace learn how to take what they have and pour their caring into that. And that flexibility is, I think, what we need to foster to keep people from losing contact with their birthright really, which is to be alive.” Of course, it is not something confined to ageing, there are plenty of people of all ages who don’t appear to have an ‘aliveness’ going on. This state is often synonymous with low feelings, sometimes mild or chronic depression. It can be a ‘Catch-22” if you’re feeling low or depressed, to get yourself motivated and your body moving, but we can create and develop Aliveness, Joy and Vitality in our lives at any age. As Hayes says, “If you are waiting for yourself to feel good before you can live well, you might wait for the rest of your life.” My mum used to say “You’ll never be this young again!” so to grow that Joy and Vitality in your life, it might be time to turn up the music and dance! If you'd like to see other tips to improve your life or relationships, I can send you occasional posts to your inbox - simply pop your email in the box above Vanessa Steele ThoughMatters 0414 99 66 13
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 Whether your apology is about something small - like forgetting to pick up some milk, or high-stakes - like admitting to an affair, how you apologise is the difference between being forgiven or not. Take a look at this apology…
“ I’m sorry for being late but I got held up and the traffic was terrible.” We have all said or heard this before. We meant it as an apology but the message the other person probably heard is, “ I didn’t take enough care to be on time for you - if I blame something else (my workload/traffic) you will be ok with it.” What about this one… “ I’m sorry I lied, but you always get so angry.” The message here is that the other person is actually responsible for the lie. This is a deflection from the issue to transfer the blame, and not going to work as an apology. Neither of these is an apology because no responsibility has actually been taken, therefore, it is likely to there will be no forgiveness. We were taught as children to “Say sorry” and we have been able to brush things away ever since. As we got older, we found when we added in a reason or excuse, the blame could be shifted from us to some other person and the apology became simply an entry point to do that: “I’m sorry but…” We want to take the easy way out when we have done something wrong. This habit can mean some people never learn how to truly apologise. They start out intending to apologise but let themselves off the hook by shifting the blame, then wonder why they haven’t been forgiven. Here are 3 rules to follow when apologising:
2. Take out the “but…”Apologise, then stop. As soon as you utter the word “but…” you are making an excuse. If you need to explain the circumstances, it is better to start a new sentence by acknowledging facts that you didn’t take into account. For example, “I’m sorry I am late coming home. There was a lot of traffic and I can see I didn’t leave enough time.” This way you are still taking responsibility for your actions and recognise that you need to do things differently. Which leads us to the next, and most important step… 3. Make it better. When you acknowledge that you have made a mistake, apologised sincerely and taken responsibility, it is important to outline the way you can resolve the situation, or perhaps a way you will avoid doing that thing next time. Using the first example you might say “If that happens again, I will call you from work to let you know that I have been held back.” Then ask this person if that would be ok – check that you are forgiven. Although we have used relatively common and ‘small’ apologies as examples, these 3 steps can be your guide when you have made a bigger mistake, even when there is a lot at stake. Remember, when an apology is sincere, responsibility is taken and reparations are made, forgiveness is usually granted. Keep these steps in mind and say “Sorry“ like you mean it! We can all get better at apologising, why not share this post on Facebook - and while you are there, come and join the Thought Matters community on our Facebook page ...and if you would like to hear about other ways you can improve your relationships sign up to our monthly(ish) newsletter in the box at the top right of this page. Vanessa 0414 99 66 13 "I asked you to clean up your room!" "Put your things away, for the last time!" Have you ever wondered why the things you say to your kids aren’t being done? Do you feel like they are ignoring you on purpose? These are frustrations parents can avoid quite easily – yes, really!!! Here are 3 surprisingly easy steps to get the message to your child in a way that gives you the results you want: Step 1: Get their full attention First things first – we need to make sure we have their attention. If you want your child to listen, it’s really important to use their name to get their attention and make sure they are able to hear you. I know I have wasted my breath asking for something to be done when the kids are engrossed in their favourite TV show or playing some game on a screen (those screens!! yes, I know, but that’s a topic for another time!!) Step 2: Identify the specific action you would like done. Yes, we need to be clear about the message. No, that doesn’t mean louder! It actually means being specific about what you would like your child to do. When a child hears “Tidy your room”, the actions required around that are not necessarily clear for them. To them, it may look tidy already. Let them know exactly what they need to do to make the room tidy. That may include putting all the toys into the toybox, putting all dirty clothes in the laundry, making their bed: the specifics of what makes their room tidy are up to you. Remember to be clear and specific about what you are asking your child to do. Step 3: Give them a timeframe. Now, it could be argued that it wasn’t clear exactly WHEN you wanted that room to be tidied, or that game to be finished – we have to give them points for creative justification, right?! This means for the message to be received by your child and acted upon, it is also important to ask for the job to be done in a certain time frame e.g. “before bed”, “in the next 5 minutes”, or even “now…please”. Which leads me to… Step 4: ok, this step is an optional (but recommended) extra… Include a “please or ‘thank you”. Our children learn respect from us by being treated with respect. We show them how it’s done when we say “please” and “thank you”. Make sure some of these words are in your request. Taking this all into account, your request would sound something like this: “Emily, before we leave today, please put all your toys in the basket, put your clothes away and close the drawers.” Sometimes, we can change it around to appreciate what they will do in advance. This can sound something like “ Tom, thanks for your help - it’s time to clear up the dinner dishes before I get some dessert ready.” Perhaps you already do part of this, or even all of these things at different times. But to improve the way your child understands what is expected, make sure to first get their attention, be specific about the task, let them know the time frame and use a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ in your message. Vanessa Steele ThoughtMatters It can be a difficult thing to know what to say when you are speaking with someone whose loved one has recently passed away. You can feel tongue-tied and reach out for those little sentences that you may have heard other people say in the hope of bringing comfort. But there are 3 things that are NOT helpful to the person in the middle of their pain and grief… 1.“I know exactly how you feel” Let’s stop and think before this sentence rolls out. Each of us has a different relationship with death and dying, and the person who has passed away. The experience, intensity and process of grief and loss varies greatly. We do not know how they feel, but we can be of great comfort by listening, really listening. Hearing about their feelings, being ok with the tears and letting them know you care is the most helpful thing you can do. We can think we are empathising to help them feel they are not alone, but saying you know how they feel is not helpful and it often leads to… 2. “My Mum/Dad passed away x years ago…” Ok – stop right there! In just about every instance this is where the conversation gets hijacked to talk about you, your feelings, your relationship, your suffering x many years ago. The person in front of you, who is grieving, now has to listen to your story and empathise with your feelings of loss! Talking about an experience you had can feel like you are being understanding and compassionate, but take care not to turn it into a conversation about your experience of loss. 3. “At least they had a good innings” Sometimes we hear that a friend’s parent or grandparent has passed away. Often, due to feeling awkward or uncomfortable, or not knowing what else to say, we will ask how old the person was. While that’s ok, the temptation to repeat the above chestnut can be great. Don’t do it! Your friend will not be comforted knowing that you think that was enough years for that person to have lived. It doesn’t help them feel better. Instead, you could ask them if they think the person had a good life, or ask if the person had been in pain or suffering with an illness. Perhaps reminisce with them about how much change they must have seen in the years since that person was born. Just don’t minimise the pain of grief your friend is feeling by declaring their loved one had enough time here on the planet. Yes, it can be awkward. It can be confronting to talk about death and dying. It brings up issues of mortality, spirituality, fear and the unknown. But make sure you don’t avoid talking about it, as it is part of the healing process to acknowledge that their loved one has died. Don’t be afraid to bring it up because you think it may cause the person more pain. For your friend it is important and comforting that you offer your condolences and let them know you care. When you are speaking with someone who has lost a loved one, the important thing is to put aside your own feelings of awkwardness or discomfort. Listen, and be present with the person in front of you. It really is ok not to know what to say and that can actually be a great, honest starting point – “I’m so sorry to hear that and I really don’t know what to say. Are you ok? Can I help you in any way?” Hear their individual story of grief and loss, or simply hold them while they cry. You can’t fix it, but you can be of great comfort by giving the gift of your compassion and by being there to listen, acknowledge and validate their feelings. Vanessa Steele ThoughtMatters 0414 99 66 13 Do you have a child that you find you are constantly pulling up?
Or a partner that you criticise over small things, from morning till night? It might be time to take a look at what type of relationship you are creating, and whether you are happy to continue that way. Usually, people have their hearts in the right place and are actually aiming to help the person they are critical of, by pointing out the easier/better way to do/achieve something. But somewhere along the line, the ‘helpful suggestion’ can turn into an unhelpful habit that characterizes the whole relationship. It can also become a substitute for deeper resentments or hurts that are not being acknowledged in the relationship. Take an example of a mother and son who are constantly at loggerheads over the son’s personal hygiene. Or, a mother who is constantly annoyed at the son’s lack of personal hygiene. These are actually 2 different things! By being able to recognize that your own set of priorities can be very different from someone else’s, can allow you to become clearer about what the issues really are. So, a son’s infrequent hair-washing may not really mean he will never get a job and be an upstanding pillar of society! He may just not see squeaky clean hair as part of his necessary ablutions. Does it really matter? Is it symbolic of something deeper for the mother? Is this the type of interaction that either person wants? Get clear on what the conflict is actually about and thoughtfully approach those issues at a time when you are not angry or irritated. 3 steps to stop the criticism:
Vanessa Steele, ThoughtMatters counsellor It was a CRAZY afternoon with too many appointments, kid drop-offs and pick-ups to sport and what-not, topped off by a forgotten jumper we had to return to find and the fact that the neighbour had just called to say our chickens had escaped and were roaming the street - I was STRESSED!
Ideally we eat at around 7pm so the kids get to bed by 8.30-ish so they have proper sleep for their early starts, and I feel like an ok parent. The time was already 8.15pm and we were just arriving home. My partner was working till very late and I hadn’t planned dinner at all (but I hoped there were some sausages in the fridge that were still in date!) The kids found the chickens (alive!) but they could see the stress building up and about to turn me into a blithering, cranky, resentful and snappy mother. Perhaps you know the feeling? Instead, I made a different choice. “Let’s teach you how to BBQ”, I said to one. “Be creative and make any salad you like out of the fridge”, I said to the other. It wasn’t all plain sailing as the BBQ gas ran out after 5 minutes and we had to dash to the servo to get a refill. Normally this would have been the final straw…but by then, my attitude had changed. The kids were involved, we were solving it all together. Dinner was wonderful, the salad was indeed creative and the sausages divine! More delightful though, was the pride the kids felt in bringing this all together and how empowered they were by the experience. By re-framing the situation from one where I was overloaded and heading for anger, to one where we all got to pitch in together, we were all able to actually enjoy the experience. The tale is told in a different way to how it might have usually turned out… the kids now often ask to help with the BBQ and making the salad. They have greater independence, self-esteem and have learned some life skills. Perhaps more importantly, they saw me make a different choice - rather than rushing to angry martyrdom, I asked for help and we made it work together. Yes, they were very late to bed that night, but I actually felt like a good parent! Vanessa Steele ThoughtMatters counsellor |
