Ok, there’s your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, Snapchat, to get through, let alone your Messenger, WhatsApp and regular texts to read and respond to! It takes dedication (and a helluva lot of time!) to keep up with the constant flow of ‘information’ about the hundreds of people you know and follow and check if they are noticing, liking and following you back!.

If you are really honest, there is every likelihood that you are spending much longer each day connected to your social media feed than you would prefer.
 
So how do you change that?
 
We are social beings - herd animals, if you like!
Humans need connection to feel secure. You might argue that watching what is happening in your friends’ lives is a type of connection. But it is removed and voyeuristic, actually creating a sense of missing out and aloneness.
 
In Psychology Today, Amy Morin, says “Of course, it would seem logical to assume that people use Facebook because it somehow enhances their lives. But oddly, research suggests the opposite. Studies show Facebook use is associated with lower life satisfaction... envying your friends on Facebook leads to depression."

If you are feeling frustrated by the way your addiction to your social media feed is shrinking your enjoyment of life, here are some ways to develop strategies:

• Create “sacred space” around some activities, where NO online connecting is allowed: think family meals, parent-kid time, nature walks, and bedtime. Just enjoy what you are doing – and who you’re doing it with! 
• Don’t always take your phone when you go out. Ok, the group might need one phone for emergencies, but does everyone really need one?
• Use Delaying tactics: Like the smoker who is dealing with cravings, you can practice delaying tactics to manage your screen time. Remind yourself that you can check it later, do something else right now (if you must stay on your phone, maybe dial up a Meditation App like Stop, Breathe & Think and spend 10 minutes practicing being present in your own life). 
• Leave screens outside the bedroom. Using an alarm clock instead of your phone means you will resist checking your feed as soon as you wake up. 
• Give yourself permission to walk away from, or even suspend, your            social media accounts (make sure your friends know how to contact you).
• Go to a connectivity-free zone to recharge (the bush, a way-out farm, mountain retreat, etc.) 
• Create a regular Connectivity-Free time with the family – think about charades, drag out the board games, or light some candles and make dinner a ‘just because’ celebration. 
• When you do decide to check out other peoples’ lives, limit the time to 30 minutes by setting an alarm on your phone.
• Reward yourself: Ah yes, the best part! The benefit from having extra time in your day is all about treating yourself well. Re-engage with other things you’d like to do.  Is an early morning walk something you’d like to fit into your day? Can you pop over to a friend’s house for a cuppa or catch up after work one afternoon? If you notice you never get to read a book any more, have a bath instead of a shower and take a book in there with you. Be spontaneous! Go biking, kayaking, rollerblading, or swimming.

 
When you make any of these changes, check in with your own happiness and engagement with your experience of life. Acknowledge any improvement you feel by disconnecting from the relentless social media feed that was previously eating up your life.
 
Be kind to yourself. If you slip up and find your thumbs flicking through the relentless feeds, close it down, congratulate yourself for noticing, forgive yourself and re-commit to your goal.
 
The moment you do, you'll get the time back to be involved in your own version of life, rather than somebody else’s.
 

 
 Let me know your thoughts...

Vanessa 
​0414 99 66 13
ThoughtMatters

 How is it that some people seem to have more Aliveness, Joy and Vitality than others? Can you create it, or develop it in your life? Does it equate to being happier or more fulfilled?
 
I had a conversation with some girlfriends recently about getting older and not wanting to lose that aliveness and vitality that we have all experienced to varying degrees in our lives (and remembered most vividly from our youth!) We were wondering how it is that some people can remain vital and joyful into their older age when others become bitter and depressed, or ‘old before their time’. 
 
Want to feel more Alive?...
​
1. Use your body: Working with the body is the key to opening up to ‘aliveness’ and freeing your body from being ‘stuck’ and stagnant. Whether it’s yoga or tennis, walking or even gardening, the experience of being connected and alive comes from being and doing. Using your body invigorates the ‘aliveness’ and vitality you will feel.
 
2. Get up and Dance: By using our bodies in a rhythmic and synchronized way becoming connected with another when dancing, the benefits to aliveness are enormous. The effects from being and doing, and connecting with another or others through dance is more powerful and uplifting than just talking about it and approaching it from a thinking perspective. Try turning up that favourite playlist and jiggle around while you are cooking the dinner, check out your local area for fun dance groups or take dance classes if you prefer more structure and guidance. Whatever way you get your body rhythmically moving, you will generate more ‘aliveness’, more happy endorphins will flood your body and your joy and vitality will soar.
 
3. Contribute & Connect: Some people aren’t able to use their body as they would like but they are not necessarily excluded from retaining or reconnecting with their Aliveness and Vitality.
Dr Steven Hayes, Psychology Professor at the University of Nevada and founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) said recently,
“If you are actively contributing, pursuing, creating, connecting, if you are sharing your loving, your supporting and helping, depression is just not what’s in front of you.” Some people find volunteering a way to connect and contribute, creating happiness for others giving them a sense of joy and ‘aliveness’.
Check out the opportunities at  volunteeringaustralia.org  to give to your community or a cause that is close to your heart.  The connection and contribution you make will increase your Vitality, Joy and Aliveness, help to ward off those low feelings and age with grace.
 
 Dr Steven Hayes said “People who age with grace learn how to take what they have and pour their caring into that. And that flexibility is, I think, what we need to foster to keep people from losing contact with their birthright really, which is to be alive.”
Of course, it is not something confined to ageing, there are plenty of people of all ages who don’t appear to have an ‘aliveness’ going on. This state is often synonymous with low feelings, sometimes mild or chronic depression. It can be a ‘Catch-22” if you’re feeling low or depressed, to get yourself motivated and your body moving, but we can create and develop Aliveness, Joy and Vitality in our lives at any age. As Hayes says, “If you are waiting for yourself to feel good before you can live well, you might wait for the rest of your life.”
 
My mum used to say “You’ll never be this young again!” so to grow that Joy and Vitality in your life, it might be time to turn up the music and dance!
​
If you'd like to see other tips to improve your life or relationships, I can send you occasional posts to your inbox  - simply pop your email in the box above

Vanessa Steele
 ThoughMatters
0414 99 66 13

Whether your apology is about something small - like forgetting to pick up some milk, or high-stakes - like admitting to an affair, how you apologise is the difference between being forgiven or not. Take a look at this apology…
 
“ I’m sorry for being late but I got held up and the traffic was terrible.”
 
We have all said or heard this before. We meant it as an apology but the message the other person probably heard is, “ I didn’t take enough care to be on time for you  - if I blame something else (my workload/traffic) you will be ok with it.”
 What about this one…
 
“ I’m sorry I lied, but you always get so angry.”
 
The message here is that the other person is actually responsible for the lie. This is a deflection from the issue to transfer the blame, and not going to work as an apology.
 
Neither of these is an apology because no responsibility has actually been taken, therefore, it is likely to there will be no forgiveness. 
 
We were taught as children to “Say sorry” and we have been able to brush things away ever since. As we got older, we found when we added in a reason or excuse, the blame could be shifted from us to some other person and the apology became simply an entry point to do that: “I’m sorry but…”
 
We want to take the easy way out when we have done something wrong. This habit can mean some people never learn how to truly apologise. They start out intending to apologise but let themselves off the hook by shifting the blame, then wonder why they haven’t been forgiven.
 
Here are 3 rules to follow when apologising:

1. Accept responsibility for the thing.

Sounds easy doesn’t it? If you are saying sorry, you know there is something you have done that has disappointed someone. The tricky part is to take a moment to work out exactly what that is, then acknowledge to the other person that you know you are responsible. Most people can do this, however, they can ruin it all if they don’t…

     2. Take out the “but…”Apologise, then stop. As soon as you utter the word “but…” you are making an excuse. If you need to explain the circumstances, it is better to start a new sentence by acknowledging facts that you didn’t take into account. For example, “I’m sorry I am late coming home. There was a lot of traffic and I can see I didn’t leave enough time.”  This way you are still taking responsibility for your actions and recognise that you need to do things differently.
 
Which leads us to the next, and most important step…
 
        3. Make it better.
When you acknowledge that you have made a mistake, apologised sincerely and taken responsibility, it is important to outline the way you can resolve the situation, or perhaps a way you will avoid doing that thing next time. Using the first example you might say  “If that happens again, I will call you from work to let you know that I have been held back.” Then ask this person if that would be ok – check that you are forgiven.
 
Although we have used relatively common and ‘small’ apologies as examples, these 3 steps can be your guide when you have made a bigger mistake, even when there is a lot at stake.
 
Remember, when an apology is sincere, responsibility is taken and reparations are made, forgiveness is usually granted.
Keep these steps in mind and say “Sorry“ like you mean it!
 
We can all get better at apologising, why not share this post on Facebook -
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 ...and if you would like to hear about other ways you can improve your relationships  sign up to our monthly(ish) newsletter in the box at the top right of this page.
 
 Vanessa
​0414 99 66 13 

 
"I asked you to clean up your room!"
"Put your things away, for the last time!"
 
Have you ever wondered why the things you say to your kids aren’t being done?
Do you feel like they are ignoring you on purpose?
These are frustrations parents can avoid quite easily – yes, really!!!
 
Here are 3 surprisingly easy steps to get the message to your child in a way that gives you the results you want:
 
Step 1: Get their full attention
First things first – we need to make sure we have their attention. If you want your child to listen, it’s really important to use their name to get their attention and make sure they are able to hear you. I know I have wasted my breath asking for something to be done when the kids are engrossed in their favourite TV show or playing some game on a screen (those screens!! yes, I know, but that’s a topic for another time!!)
 
Step 2: Identify the specific action you would like done.
Yes, we need to be clear about the message. No, that doesn’t mean louder!
It actually means being specific about what you would like your child to do.
When a child hears “Tidy your room”, the actions required around that are not necessarily clear for them. To them, it may look tidy already. Let them know exactly what they need to do to make the room tidy. That may include putting all the toys into the toybox, putting all dirty clothes in the laundry, making their bed: the specifics of what makes their room tidy are up to you. Remember to be clear and specific about what you are asking your child to do. 
 
Step 3: Give them a timeframe.
Now, it could be argued that it wasn’t clear exactly WHEN you wanted that room to be tidied, or that game to be finished – we have to give them points for creative justification, right?! This means for the message to be received by your child and acted upon, it is also important to ask for the job to be done in a certain time frame e.g. “before bed”, “in the next 5 minutes”, or even “now…please”.
Which leads me to…
 
Step 4: ok, this step is an optional (but recommended) extra… Include a “please or ‘thank you”.
Our children learn respect from us by being treated with respect. We show them how it’s done when we say “please” and “thank you”. Make sure some of these words are in your request.
 
Taking this all into account, your request would sound something like this:
“Emily, before we leave today, please put all your toys in the basket, put your clothes away and close the drawers.”
 
Sometimes, we can change it around to appreciate what they will do in advance.
This can sound something like “ Tom, thanks for your help - it’s time to clear up the dinner dishes before I get some dessert ready.”
 
Perhaps you already do part of this, or even all of these things at different times. But to improve the way your child understands what is expected, make sure to first get their attention, be specific about the task, let them know the time frame and use a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ in your message.
 
 Vanessa Steele
ThoughtMatters